I am currently traveling in Hyderabad, and I have been reminded of a fundamental truth about hospitality in this part of the world: You cannot simply say "No" once.
In the West, we often view a dinner invitation as a simple exchange. The host offers, the guest accepts or declines, and we move on. We value autonomy. We respect the first refusal because we assume the person knows their own appetite.
But here, and in many other cultures I have visited, love and affection are expressed through persuasion. It is what I call "coercive love."
If anyone invites you for dinner in a culture like this, you must be prepared to understand the syntax of refusal. It is a dance, not a decision.
The first "No" is viewed as mere politeness. It is ignored entirely. The host assumes you are simply not wanting to appear greedy. The second "No" is interpreted as a "Maybe." It signals that you are considering it but need a bit more coaxing to feel comfortable taking more.
Only by the third "No" do they realize there might be room for negotiation.
The problem is that if you surrender early—if you give up after the first refusal—you spend your time forcing yourself to eat more than you physically can. The intent is positive; they want to ensure abundance and care. But the outcome is physical discomfort.
I have found there is really only one way to avoid this without causing offense.
You must request to serve yourself.
When you take the spoon in your own hand, you shift the dynamic. You are no longer the passive recipient of their overwhelming affection; you are an active participant in the meal. You can take a small amount—a symbolic amount—and still honor the food and the host.
This restores your agency. It allows you to participate in the ritual of the meal without being overwhelmed by the ritual of the service.
We see this in business too. In some markets, a vendor who accepts your first "No" is seen as uninterested or lazy. They are expected to woo you, to prove their worth through persistence. If you judge them by the standards of a culture where "No means No" is the only rule, you miss the relationship they are trying to build.
So, the next time you are faced with a plate that keeps refilling itself despite your protests, stop fighting the host. Ask for the spoon.
Reflect on this:
Where else in your life is "persistence" actually just a cultural form of politeness? I'd love to hear your stories in the comments.
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